Saturday, September 27, 2014

To celebrate their parents 50 years together their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor

To celebrate their parents 50 years together their three kids, all successful, agreed to a
Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.
'Sorry I'm running late.
I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know
how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father.
"Important thing is we're all together today."
Son No. 2 arrived.
"You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't
have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father.
"We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived.
"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.
Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and said,
"WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep", said the father, "Cheap ones too..."

Saturday, September 20, 2014

So this duck walks into a pet store and says to the clerk, "Got any duck food?"

"No", says the clerk, "we only sell dog food and cat food." 
"OK", says the duck and walks out. 
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any duck food?" 
The clerk once again replies, "No, like I told you, we only sell cat food and dog food." 
"OK", says the duck and walks out. 
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any duck food?" 
The clerk says "Hey look, I told you two times already that we only sell cat food and dog food!" 
"OK", says the duck and walks out. 
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any duck food?" 
This time the clerk yells "We don't sell any duck food and if you come in here one more time asking, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to the ground!" 
"OK", says the duck and walks out. 
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any nails?" 
"No", says the confused clerk. 
The duck says, "Got any duck food?"

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable to the council either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.

Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.

Then came: "Minds and Behinds"
Still, no good.

Another attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable to the town council... again!

So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
Not a chance. Too graphic, said the council.

"Nuts and Butts?"
Definitely not.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Shot down again

"Loons and Moons?" 
Forget it.

Almost at their end of thinking capacity, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends."
And everyone was happy.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

The Love Dress: "A Cautionary Tale to Aging Men..."

The Love Dress : A Cautionary Tale

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was
shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for
her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Thursday, July 3, 2014

"Old is when ...."

1. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and 
make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" 

2. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new 
alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 

3. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your 
pacemaker opens the garage door. 

4. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of 
your face. 

5. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 

6. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 

7. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need 
to take any fiber today. 

8. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in 
the parking lot. 

9. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to 

Friday, June 27, 2014

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college.

For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealers showroom, and knowing his
father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father
had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father
called him into his private study, told him how proud he was to have such a
fine son, and how much he loved him. He handed him a beautifully wrapped
gift box.
Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found
a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with his name embossed in gold. Angrily, he
raised his voice to his father and said, "With all your money you give me a
Bible?" He stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible behind.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He
had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very
old. He thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that
graduation day. But before he could make arrangements, he received a
telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his
possessions to him. He needed to come home immediately and take care of
When he arrived at his father's house, sadness and regret filled his
heart. He began to search through his father's important documents and saw
the Bible, new, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the
Bible and began to turn the pages. His father had carefully underlined a
Matt 7:11, "And if ye, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your
children, how much more shall your Heavenly Father which is in Heaven, give
to those who ask Him?" As he read those words, a car key dropped from the
back of the Bible.It had a tag with the dealers name, the same dealer who
had the sports car he had desired.
On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words...PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as
we expected?

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Happy Father's Day George W. Bush ... and President Obama

... on the topic of ending the Bush Wars and returning our troops home to their families and friends and for providing meaningful support once they return home for medical care, education, job searches, for the job they have done for all of us in wars that lasted a generation and never seemed to affect us in any way. It is like we simply forgot that our military was waging a war ... and we accepted no responsibility for their lives, their deaths, and their pain and suffering and that of their families and friends who were very much aware hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year, decade by decade... birthday by birthday... holiday by holiday.

 Happy Fathers Day 
George W. Bush and President Obama.

But a BIG RED note in red marker on that same hand drier that all our elected representatives blew hot, smoke up our asses in this Century. And we washed our hands and did nothing.

Friday, June 6, 2014

A pirate walked into a bar

Check out:
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them s*** in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird s***. "It was my first day with the hook."

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Pennies from Heaven

Zip Lock Baggies of water and pennies ...........who knew?
We went with friends to a restaurant on Sunday for lunch and sat in the patio section beside the store. We happened to notice zip lock baggies pinned to a post and a wall. The bags were half filled with ...water, each contained 4 pennies, and they were zipped shut. Naturally we were curious! The owner told us that these baggies kept the flies away! So naturally we were even more curious! We actually watched some flies come in the open window, stand around on the window sill, and then fly out again. And there were no flies in the eating area! This morning I checked this out on Google. Below are comments on this fly control idea. I'm now a believer! Zip-lock water bags: #1 Says: I tried the zip lock bag and pennies this weekend. I have a horse trailer. The flies were bad while I was camping. I put the baggies with pennies above the door of the LQ. NOT ONE FLY came in the trailer.The horse trailer part had many. Not sure why it works but it does! #2 Says:Fill a zip lock bag with water and 5 or 6 pennies and hang it in the problem area. In my case it was a particular window in my home. It had a slight passage way for insects. Every since I have done that, it has kept flies and wasps away. Some say that wasps and flies mistake the bag for some other insect nest and are threatened. #3 Says:I swear by the plastic bag of water trick. I have them on porch and basement. We saw these in Northeast Mo. at an Amish grocery store& have used them since. They say it works because a fly sees a reflection& won't come around. #4 Says:Regarding the science behind zip log bags of water? My research found that the millions of molecules of water presents its own prism effect and given that flies have a lot of eyes, to them it's like a zillion disco balls reflecting light, colors and movement in a dizzying manner. When you figure that flies are prey for many other bugs, animals, birds, etc., they simply won't take the risk of being around that much perceived action. I moved to a rural area and thought these "hillbillies" were just yanking my city boy chain but I tried it and it worked immediately! We went from hundreds of flies to seeing the occasional one, but he didn't hang around long.

Friday, May 30, 2014

The Sentimentality of a Family Photo

The Sentimentality of a Family Photo
By Adam T. Gruver
Here, you see a colorful snapshot into the lives of a young boy and an older man. Their exchange of reverent smiles allows the viewers to assume these two people are well acquainted, maybe grandfather and grandson. The older gentleman holds the young boy up and looks into his eyes with a deep admiration. He uses both arms and the placement of his body to make sure the boy is safe and sturdy on the fence. The dog stands obediently at the man's feet, but pays no mind to the two main subjects of the photo or the camera person. His gaze and attention are fixated on some unknown element sitting outside the frame of vision. The landscape, although unfamiliar, is not seen well enough to make a fair supposition as to exactly where this photo was shot. However, an observer may be able to discern from the rust-covered, pipe fencing and the tattered corrugated-tin structure this photo was perhaps taken on an old farm or ranch. Being witness to sincere happiness makes it hard for an onlooker not to crack a smile. Without even knowing the people, a total stranger can appreciate the purity and simplicity caught in a moment such as this. The young boy has not yet lost his innocence, and the man is proud and willing to protect it. I am the child in this photo, long since grown up and faced with many trials and tribulations of life. The older man is my grandfather. It has been little more than a decade since his passing, and almost as long since my two feet have touched the arid, sandy soil of that old ranch. In fact, after five generations, it is no longer in the possession of my family. In my candor I also, regretfully, admit I was too young, and this happy occasion in the shade of an old oak tree has faded from my memory. Regardless, when I glance at this picture, I am content. Although the circumstances surrounding this particular photo may elude the grasp of my mind, individual aspects bring forth a flood of mixed emotions. Studying it now allows past thought and feelings to break free from the far corners of my subconscious where they had once been lost. I remember the old feeding pen in the pasture of my boyhood home in Texas, and a delighted smile emerges on my face. Growing up as an only child on a 60-acre ranch, I found imaginative ways of entertaining myself. I explored every inch of those fields throughout my childhood, and played and climbed on the old rusty construct like it was a jungle gym. Also, unbeknownst to the audience of this photo, there is a pond in the distant background and beyond that, a creek where I visited frequently. I would wander forever, fishing and blackberry-picking my way along the banks until the sun went down. Along with playful memories of childhood, looking at me as such a youngling sparks reflection upon a much simpler time. A child, at that age, has no concept of responsibility, nor is his mind weighed down with the worries of adulthood. The only thoughts that occupied my mind were those involving toys, candy, and maybe what cartoon I should watch. Those were great times but such ease and joyfulness are typically short-lived. The photograph brings about some less cheerful recollections as well. It was right around this me that the Sharpei, (Char-Lee) had left his mark on me. The thoughts forth from this aspect of the picture are slightly more disconcerting. He was a great dog, loyal, and obedient to the tooth. Unfortunately, he wasn't the most patient. At 18 months old, I was an energetic child, (A nature that can be oppositional to that of impatience). I was playing on the floor in the kitchen while Cha-Lee was at his bowl eating. Naively, I crawled up and attempted to get him to participate; he wanted no part. Char-Lee let out a growl to warn me for being too rambunctious in his space. Not understanding, I slapped him across the jowls, and in an instant my face was torn open from the corner of my right eye to the right corner of my mouth. He knew instantly that he had made a terrible mistake, and I knew, even then, I was at fault. Bleeding and crying, I surprisingly attempted to protect my dog from my own mother. Some say that children cannot form memories until three or four years of age, but I beg to differ. These images are burned into my brain forever. Even though this is my most pronounced memory of Char-Lee, nostalgic warmth is still felt when looking at him in this photo. My grandfather, (or Pawpaw, as we say in the south) is the final component of this image, and like the memory of Char-Lee, his is a bittersweet sentiment. I was seven years old. I had arrived home from school and, as always, went to say hello to my granddad. I opened the door to his room, and there he lay on the floor next to his bed. He had had a stroke and was barely conscious. I called 911 and, although my Pawpaw survived this brush with death, over the New Year he was moved to a nursing home, his health slowly diminished, and 2001 he passed away. These thoughts are brought to mind when looking at the photo, but I still smile. Pawpaw, to me, was larger than life, and although tears fill my eyes as I write these words, they are there in happy remembrance of a great man. A photograph of a young boy with a dog and his grandfather seems plain enough, but, like most things, there is always more than meets the eye. It may be a depiction of a simple, happy event, but pictures can often bring a lot of feeling to the surface. Even though some experiences may be less pleasant than others, all that matters is how we choose to remember them.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

On the first day of school the children brought gifts for their new teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit. The florist's son brought the teacher a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a delicious box of candy. Then the liquor store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it bourbon?" she guessed. "Nope!" the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Scotch?" "Nope," replied the little boy, "it's a puppy!"

Job Listing - Gynecologist's Assistant

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Houston, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana." "Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?" "No sir... that's where the end of the line is right now".

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

Monday, May 12, 2014

See you in the New Jerusalem

I sat, with two friends, in the picture window of a quaint restaurant just off the corner of the town-square. The food and the company were both especially good that day. As we talked, my attention was drawn outside, across the street. There, walking into town, was a man who appeared to be carrying all his worldly goods on his back. He was carrying, a well-worn sign that read, 'I will work for food.' My heart sank. I brought him to the attention of my friends and noticed that others around us had stopped eating to focus on him. Heads moved in a mixture of sadness and disbelief. We continued with our meal, but his image lingered in my mind. We finished our meal and went our separate ways. I had errands to do and quickly set out to accomplish them. I glanced toward the town square, looking somewhat halfheartedly for the strange visitor. I was fearful, knowing that seeing him again would call some response. I drove through town and saw nothing of him. I made some purchases ata store and got back in my car. Deep within me, the Spirit of God kept speaking to me: 'Don't go back to the office until you've at least driven once more around the square.' Then with some hesitancy, I headed back into town. As I turned the square's third corner, I saw him. He was standing on the steps of the church, going through his sack. I stopped and looked; feeling both compelled to speak to him, yet wanting to drive on. The empty parking space on the corner seemed to be a sign from God: an invitation to park. I pulled in, got out and approached the town's newest visitor. 'Looking for the pastor?' I asked. 'Not really,' he replied, 'just resting.' 'Have you eaten today?' 'Oh, I ate something early this morning.' 'Would you like to have lunch with me?' 'Do you have some work I could do for you?' 'No work,' I replied 'I commute here to work from the city, but I would like to take you to lunch.' 'Sure,' he replied with a smile. As he began to gather his things, I asked some surface questions. Where you headed?' St. Louis' 'Where you from?' 'Oh, all over; mostly Florida ...' 'How long you been walking?' 'Fourteen years,' came the reply. I knew I had met someone unusual. We sat across from each other in the same restaurant I had left earlier. His face was weathered slightly beyond his 38 years. His eyes were dark yet clear, and he spoke with an eloquence and articulation that was startling He removed his jacket to reveal a bright red T-shirt that said, 'Jesus is The Never Ending Story.' Then Daniel's story began to unfold He had seen rough times early in life. He'd made some wrong choices and reaped the consequences. Fourteen years earlier, while backpacking across the country, he had stopped on the beach in Daytona... He tried to hire on with some men who were putting up a large tent and some equipment. A concert, he thought. He was hired, but the tent would not house a concert but revival services, and in those services he saw life more clearly. He gave his life over to God 'Nothing's been the same since,' he said, 'I felt the Lord telling me to keep walking, and so I did, some 14 years now.' 'Ever think of stopping?' I asked. 'Oh, once in a while, when it seems to get the best of me But God has given me this calling I give out Bibles, That's what's in my sack. I work to buy food and Bibles, and I give them out when His Spirit leads.' I sat amazed. My homeless friend was not homeless. He was on a mission and lived this way by choice. The question burned inside for a moment and then I asked: 'What's it like?' 'What?' 'To walk into a town carrying all your things on your back and to show your sign?' 'Oh, it was humiliating at first. People would stare and make comments. Once someone tossed a piece of half-eaten bread and made a gesture that certainly didn't make me feel welcome. But then it became humbling to realize that God was using me to touch lives and change people's concepts of other folks like me.' My concept was changing, too. We finished our dessert and gathered his things. Just outside the door, he paused He turned to me and said, 'Come Ye blessed of my Father and inherit the kingdom I've prepared for you. For when I was hungry you gave me food, when I was thirsty you gave me drink, a stranger and you took me in.' I felt as if we were on holy ground. 'Could you use another Bible?' I asked. He said he preferred a certain translation. It traveled well and was not too heavy. It was also his personal favorite.. 'I've read through it 14 times,' he said. 'I'm not sure we've got one of those, but let's stop by our church and see' I was able to find my new friend a Bible that would do well, and he seemed very grateful. 'Where are you headed from here?' I asked. 'Well, I found this little map on the back of this amusement park coupon.' 'Are you hoping to hire on there for a while?' 'No, I just figure I should go there. I figure someone under that star right there needs a Bible, so that's where I'm going next.' He smiled, and the warmth of his spirit radiated the sincerity of his mission. I drove him back to the town-square where we'd met two hours earlier, and as we drove, it started raining. We parked and unloaded his things. 'Would you sign my autograph book?' he asked... 'I like to keep messages from folks I meet.' I wrote in his little book that his commitment to his calling had touched my life. I encouraged him to stay strong. And I left him with a verse of scripture from Jeremiah, 'I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you; Plans to give you a future and a hope.' 'Thanks, man,' he said. 'I know we just met and we're really just strangers, but I love you.' 'I know,' I said, 'I love you, too.' 'The Lord is good!' 'Yes, He is. How long has it been since someone hugged you?' I asked. A long time,' he replied And so on the busy street corner in the drizzling rain, my new friend and I embraced, and I felt deep inside that I had been changed He put his things on his back, smiled his winning smile and said, 'See you in the New Jerusalem.' 'I'll be there!' was my reply. He began his journey again. He headed away with his sign dangling from his bedroll and pack of Bibles. He stopped, turned and said, 'When you see something that makes you think of me, will you pray for me?' 'You bet,' I shouted back, 'God Bless.' 'God Bless.' And that was the last I saw of him. Late that evening as I left my office, the wind blew strong. The cold front had settled hard upon the town. I bundled up and hurried to my car. As I sat back and reached for the emergency brake, I saw them... a pair of well-worn brown work gloves neatly laid over the length of the handle. I picked them up and thought of my friend and wondered if his hands would stay warm that night without them. Then I remembered his words: 'If you see something that makes you think of me, will you pray for me?' Today his gloves lie on my desk in my office.. They help me to see the world and its people in a new way, and they help me remember those two hours with my unique friend and to pray for his ministry. 'See you in the New Jerusalem,' he said. Yes, Daniel, I know I will... 'I shall pass this way but once. Therefore, any good that I can do or any kindness that I can show, let me do it now, for I shall not pass this way again.'

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Stewart's wife thought it was very romantic when he vowed to have a picture of her tattooed on his arm.

Stewart's wife thought it was very romantic when he vowed to have a picture of her tattooed on his arm.

"There's just no pleasing some women!" he moaned, after she threw him out of the house . . . .

Thursday, April 3, 2014

"What happened?", the mother-in-law asked anxiously.

The mother-in-law stopped by her daughter's house after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened?", she asked anxiously. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home... and guess what I found? Your daughter in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm... done. I'm leaving forever!" "Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. She would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened." A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation --- she didn't get your email."

Friday, March 21, 2014

"Miss Bestrice, I wonder if you would tell me about this?" asked the pastor, pointing at the bowl.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

A duck was about to cross the road when he met a chicken....

A duck was about to cross the road when he met a chicken.
"Don't do it," said the chicken. "You will never hear the end of it."

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Letter to Husband - with a P.S. you'll love

My darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Friday, January 17, 2014

The Jar: OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Becky, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Thursday, January 9, 2014

God does work in mysterious ways: Beautiful story of "The Tablecloth"

God does work in mysterious ways. Beautiful story of "The Tablecloth" makes you understand that things happen for a reason The brand new pastor and his wife, newly assigned to their first ministry, to reopen a church in suburban Brooklyn , arrived in early October excited about their opportunities. When they saw their church, it was very run down and needed much work. They set a goal to have everything done in time to have their first service on Christmas Eve. They worked hard, repairing pews, plastering walls, painting, etc, and on December 18 were ahead of schedule and just about finished.

On December 19 a terrible tempest - a driving rainstorm - hit the area and lasted for two days. On the 21st, the pastor went over to the church. His heart sank when he saw that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of thesanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about head high. The pastor cleaned up the mess on the floor, and not knowing what else to do but postpone the Christmas Eve service, headed home. On the way he noticed that a local business was having a flea market type sale for charity, so he stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful, handmade, ivory colored, crocheted tablecloth with exquisite work, fine colors and a Cross embroidered right in the center. It was just the right size to cover the hole in the front wall. He bought it and headed back to the church. By this time it had started to snow. An older woman running from the opposite direction was trying to catch the bus. She missed it. The pastor invited her to wait in the warm church for the next bus 45 minutes later. She sat in a pew and paid no attention to the pastor while he got a ladder, hangers, etc., to put up the tablecloth as a wall tapestry. The pastor could hardly believe how beautiful it looked and it covered up the entire problem area. Then he noticed the woman walking down the center aisle. Her face was like a sheet. "Pastor," she asked, "where did you get that tablecloth?" The pastor explained. The woman asked him to check the lower right corner to see if the initials 'EBG' were crocheted into it there. They were. These were the initials of the woman, and she had made this tablecloth 35 years before, in Austria . The woman could hardly believe it as the pastor told how he had just gotten "The Tablecloth". The woman explained that before the war she and her husband were well-to-do people in Austria When the Nazis came, she was forced to leave. Her husband was going to follow her the next week. He was captured, sent to prison and she never saw her husband or her home again. The pastor wanted to give her the tablecloth; but she made the pastor keep it for the church. The pastor insisted on driving her home. That was the least he could do. She lived on the other side of Staten Island and was only in Brooklyn for the day for a housecleaning job.

What a wonderful service they had on Christmas Eve. The church was almost full. The music and the spirit were great. At the end of the service, the pastor and his wife greeted everyone at the door and many said that they would return. One older man, whom the pastor recognized from the neighborhood, continued to sit in one of the pews and stare, and the pastor wondered why he wasn't leaving.

The man asked him where he got the tablecloth on the front wall because it was identical to one that his wife had made years ago when they lived in Austria before the war and how could there be two tablecloths so much alike? He told the pastor how the Nazis came, how he forced his wife to flee for her safety and he was supposed to follow her, but he was arrested and put in a prison. He never saw his wife or his home again in all the 35 years between.

The pastor asked him if he would allow him to take him for a little ride. They drove to Staten Island and to the same house where the pastor had taken the woman three days earlier. He helped the man climb the three flights of stairs to the woman's apartment, knocked on the door and he saw the greatest Christmas reunion he could ever imagine. True story - submitted by Pastor Rob Reid who says God does work in mysterious ways. I asked the Lord to bless you as I prayed for you today, to guide you and protect you as you go along your way. His love is always with you. His promises are true, and when we give Him all our cares we know He will see us through. So when the road you're traveling seems difficult at best, just remember I'm here praying and God will do the rest. Pass this on to those you want God to bless and remember to send it back to the one who asked God to bless you first. When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need. Take 60 seconds and give this a shot!
All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent this to you.
Father, God, bless all my friends and family in what ever it is that You know they may be needing this day! May their lives be full of Your peace, prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with You. Amen.
I was sent this by a Facebook Friend;however, I found it also on Daves Words of Wisdom here: