Tuesday, July 30, 2013

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Houston, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the "Husband Store."

Saturday, July 27, 2013

"Okay, but don’t go in that field over there,"

A DEA officer stops at a ranch outside Navasota, steps out of his government SUV, smirks and speaks to an old rancher sitting in his rocking chair. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don’t go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, smiles, and takes a sip of his sweet tea.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The special agent is clearly terrified.

The old rancher, slowly sets down his glass and yells, "Your badge... Show him your BADGE!"

The Price of Wedding Music: "We'll Work for Half"

Friday, July 26, 2013

The Power of Regularity - Three old men -- one 78, one 88, another 98 -- are sitting on a park bench.

The 78-year-old says, "Geeze. I don't know what to do. Every morning I stand there and try to clear my bladder -- and nothing. A drop or two. I'm disgusted.

They sit for a while longer, then the 88-year-old says, "Yeah. I don't know what to do either. Every morning I sit there and try to eliminate -- and nothing. I grunt. I groan. I bear down. I'm disgusted, too.

They sit even longer, then the 98-year-old says, "I'm disgusted with the both of ya. Me? By 7 my bladder is dry. By 8, I've eliminated last night's dinner. I'm as regular as the sunrise every morning. My only problem is, I don't get up until 9.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years.

There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years.

 They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other... except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.

For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.

"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.

"Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"

Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

A night of tall tales begins.

Three cowboys, one from Arkansas, one from Oklahoma, and a Texan, are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales begins.

The one from Arkansas says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The one from Oklahoma can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp ... and I'm still here today."

The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his bare hands.