A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her.

"If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

Honey, Can I help?

A man sees his wife is busy in the kitchen and says: "Can I help?" She says, "Sure, take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in a pot to boil."

Everything prepared for your arrival...

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.. When th...e grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:. Dearest Wife,. Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.. P.S. Sure is hot down here..

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet..

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Attention Hunters

ATTENTION HUNTERS

I scouted the area all summer. . . I searched out the best location for my tree-stand . . ... I set it all up a month ahead of time . . . I trailed the herd . . . I picked out a trophy buck .. .. Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt . .. Everything was in place . . .. Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am . .. . I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand . . . This was destined to be an epic hunt . . .. As I approached my deer stand . . . . . . . I changed my mind, decided to go to church instead.

"Run, Forest, Run!"

FOREST GOES TO HEAVEN!



When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."



"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "



"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."



1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"



2) How many seconds are in a year?



3) What is God's first name?



"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."



St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."



"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."



"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.



"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"



St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."



"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."



"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"



"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."



St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Wait a minute! We have a decision on Ted Cruz!

Under the terms of the United States Constitution, someone who wants to become the president of America must be a natural born United States citizen who is at least 35 years old and who has lived as a resident of the US for 14 years. These are the only legal requirements for the position, but many people have many expectations of presidential candidates which could be considered informal requirements. Additionally, anyone wanting to run for president must have access to very large sums of money, as a campaign costs a great deal of money. Constitutional Requirements The terms of citizenship for presidential candidates are interpreted very strictly. Any person wishing to run must be a natural born citizen, meaning that immigrants are not eligible to run, no matter how long they have lived in the US. If a child of American citizens is born abroad, he or she is technically considered a natural born citizen, and can therefore run for president. The requirement for being a permanent resident in the US for at least 14 years is meant to ensure that anyone running is aware of general issues which impact the American people. Play can continue! CREDITS: Photo NFL Football Referees during the walkout.

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog.

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog placed the Bible on the floor and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" "I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!!!"

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So, the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, there is no response. So, he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Clyde, for the fifth time... CHICKEN!"

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Houston, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.



"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.



There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...



On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.



The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.



The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.



"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the "Husband Store."

"Okay, but don’t go in that field over there,"

A DEA officer stops at a ranch outside Navasota, steps out of his government SUV, smirks and speaks to an old rancher sitting in his rocking chair. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don’t go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"



The rancher nods politely, apologizes, smiles, and takes a sip of his sweet tea.



A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.



With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The special agent is clearly terrified.



The old rancher, slowly sets down his glass and yells, "Your badge... Show him your BADGE!"

The Price of Wedding Music: "We'll Work for Half"

The Power of Regularity - Three old men -- one 78, one 88, another 98 -- are sitting on a park bench.

The 78-year-old says, "Geeze. I don't know what to do. Every morning I stand there and try to clear my bladder -- and nothing. A drop or two. I'm disgusted.


They sit for a while longer, then the 88-year-old says, "Yeah. I don't know what to do either. Every morning I sit there and try to eliminate -- and nothing. I grunt. I groan. I bear down. I'm disgusted, too.

They sit even longer, then the 98-year-old says, "I'm disgusted with the both of ya. Me? By 7 my bladder is dry. By 8, I've eliminated last night's dinner. I'm as regular as the sunrise every morning. My only problem is, I don't get up until 9.

There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years.

There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years.

 They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other... except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.




For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.



In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.



When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.



"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."



The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.



"Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"



Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

"Look at the size of that Dead Snake!"

A night of tall tales begins.

Three cowboys, one from Arkansas, one from Oklahoma, and a Texan, are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales begins.

The one from Arkansas says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The one from Oklahoma can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp ... and I'm still here today."

The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his bare hands.

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

 "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."


"Pet fish!?!?"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!

We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.



MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

A Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

A Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

 She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."



So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the

girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?      80% of the congregation held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. Everyone responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.



"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"



"I don't have any," Walter replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.


"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"



The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,



"I outlived all them assholes" - and he calmly returned to his seat.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

People were in their pews at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. 

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" 

The man replied, "Yep, sure do." 

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. 

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man. 

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. 

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. 

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" 

"Yep," was the calm reply. 

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. 

"Nope," said the old man. 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" 

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Know where you're going in life... "And after that?" asked the Mexican.

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village.

An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.




"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

“But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"


I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.

“How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

And after that?"


Afterwards? Well my Friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" Millions?


“Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.


“After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.“


And the moral of this story is: Know where you're going in life... you may already be there.

"Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you? This one comes courtesy of a friend who sent it via email instead of posting it – I suppose she didn’t want to put her name on it, but I’m happy to retell it! 

The story takes place in a dusty Arizona mining town, sometime in the past. It starts when a tired, dusty old woman rode in on an equally dusty and old pack mule. She tied the old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, i never did dance... I never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet. Not wanting to get her toe blown off, the old prospector started hopping around while the crowd laughed. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No M'am... but I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons here:
1. Never be arrogant.
2. Don't waste ammunition.
3. Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4. Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5. Don't mess with old women; we didn't get old by being stupid.

I just can’t take that chance

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

Why We Shoot Deer in the Wild

(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)



I had this idea ...that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.



I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.



The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.



That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.



A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.



I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.



Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.



The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.



It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.



That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.



Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.



This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.



Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.



I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!



All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

" But on Fridays, I fish."

A husband and wife came for counseling  after 35 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 35 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.


Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,
“This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied,  “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

Lawyers should never ask a Texan grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small town Texas prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Howard. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Lindquist since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,


'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."



Yes, she says, "I remember it well."



OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"



"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"



A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.



The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.



The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.



After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.



So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"



Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,



"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence~!"

Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest Son



I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.


We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.



I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.



This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.



The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.



Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.



About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.



Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.



Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.



Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.



Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get he tailgate down.



There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.



Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship

 

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship

holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.



... A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam..

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress

is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands

to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties

and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man

and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

“I just bought this hat yesterday!"

The Sample Jar

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.




The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."



The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

"Is it true what they say about men with Big Feet."

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
...
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Funny Irish News Report

Funny Irish News Report of Encounter between Off Duty Irish Policeman an a Gaelic Football Fan in Dublin.

Mule for Sale. $100. We deliver.

Earl and Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News newspaper in Starkville, Mississippi, and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Earl and Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Leroy said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Earl said, "We shor can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Earl and Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"Gol dern, didn't anyone complain?"

Earl said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

After nearly 50 years of marriage

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to pla...ce his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'... 

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, the preacher said
"Anyone with 'special needs" who wants to be prayed over,
please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the preacher asked,
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his
other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and
prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy and the whole
congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

 After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and loudly asks, “Leroy, how’s your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations.

‎"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days.

I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize he was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). 

By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either.

I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

GOD CREATED CHILDREN
(AND IN THE PROCESS, GRANDCHILDREN!)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren,
nieces, nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
 you can take comfort from the thought that
 even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.



After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was 'DON'T! '

'Don't what ?' Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.

'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! '

' No Way ! '
'Yes way! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit! ' said God.

'Why? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' God replied, wondering
why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children
having an apple break and He was ticked ! 
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? ' God asked.

'Uh huh,' Adam replied.

'Then why did you? ' said the Father.

'I don't know,' said Eve.
'She started it! ' Adam said.

'Did not ! '
'Did too! '
'DID NOT! '

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom
and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think
it would be a piece of cake for you ? 

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids..
They will choose your nursing home one day!

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!