An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship

 

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship

holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.



... A gentleman approached her and said,

"Pardon me, madam..

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress

is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands

to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties

and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man

and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

“I just bought this hat yesterday!"

The Sample Jar

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.




The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."



The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

"Is it true what they say about men with Big Feet."

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
...
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Funny Irish News Report

Funny Irish News Report of Encounter between Off Duty Irish Policeman an a Gaelic Football Fan in Dublin.

Mule for Sale. $100. We deliver.

Earl and Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News newspaper in Starkville, Mississippi, and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Earl and Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Leroy said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Earl said, "We shor can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Earl and Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"Gol dern, didn't anyone complain?"

Earl said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

After nearly 50 years of marriage

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to pla...ce his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'... 

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, the preacher said
"Anyone with 'special needs" who wants to be prayed over,
please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the preacher asked,
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his
other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and
prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy and the whole
congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

 After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and loudly asks, “Leroy, how’s your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations.

‎"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days.

I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize he was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). 

By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either.

I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

GOD CREATED CHILDREN
(AND IN THE PROCESS, GRANDCHILDREN!)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren,
nieces, nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
 you can take comfort from the thought that
 even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.



After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was 'DON'T! '

'Don't what ?' Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.

'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! '

' No Way ! '
'Yes way! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit! ' said God.

'Why? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' God replied, wondering
why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children
having an apple break and He was ticked ! 
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? ' God asked.

'Uh huh,' Adam replied.

'Then why did you? ' said the Father.

'I don't know,' said Eve.
'She started it! ' Adam said.

'Did not ! '
'Did too! '
'DID NOT! '

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom
and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think
it would be a piece of cake for you ? 

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids..
They will choose your nursing home one day!

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!