Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Letter


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A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom."

With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow tha...t I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with him and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and he said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. He taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so he can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Cheyenne..

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

There should be a new rule: Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms: One in office. One in prison.


Earl and Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News newspaper in Starkville , Mississippi , and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Earl and Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Cain't do that I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Leroy said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Earl said, "We shor can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Earl and Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998." The farmer said,"Gol dern, didn't anyone complain?" Earl said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Earl and Leroy now work for the gub'ment.

ART CREDIT: THE DEAD MULE School of Southern Literature
You can be well read until you have read the Dead Mule: http://www.deadmule.com/

Thursday, September 1, 2011

How the substitute became the regular organist


The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play 'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.' During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up'. At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.' And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Everyone waits to the last minute to get ready for that long trip....

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend..  The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.  Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.  'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay.  It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.'  The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean.  It's the same in my business.'

Catholic Heart Attack


A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

A store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse
to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the
care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board
loaded with several papers.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,

"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied:

"Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."