Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable to the council either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.

Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.

Then came: "Minds and Behinds"
Still, no good.

Another attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable to the town council... again!

So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
Not a chance. Too graphic, said the council.

"Nuts and Butts?"
Definitely not.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Shot down again

"Loons and Moons?" 
Forget it.

Almost at their end of thinking capacity, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends."
And everyone was happy.

The Love Dress: "A Cautionary Tale to Aging Men..."

The Love Dress : A Cautionary Tale

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was
shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for
her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.

Fall in Love - If you ever decide to fall in love...

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

"Old is when ...."

1. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and 
make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" 

2. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new 
alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 

3. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your 
pacemaker opens the garage door. 

4. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of 
your face. 

5. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 

6. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 

7. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need 
to take any fiber today. 

8. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in 
the parking lot. 

9. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to 
pee!!..

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college.

For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealers showroom, and knowing his
father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father
had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father
called him into his private study, told him how proud he was to have such a
fine son, and how much he loved him. He handed him a beautifully wrapped
gift box.
Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found
a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with his name embossed in gold. Angrily, he
raised his voice to his father and said, "With all your money you give me a
Bible?" He stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible behind.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He
had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very
old. He thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that
graduation day. But before he could make arrangements, he received a
telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his
possessions to him. He needed to come home immediately and take care of
things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sadness and regret filled his
heart. He began to search through his father's important documents and saw
the Bible, new, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the
Bible and began to turn the pages. His father had carefully underlined a
verse,
Matt 7:11, "And if ye, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your
children, how much more shall your Heavenly Father which is in Heaven, give
to those who ask Him?" As he read those words, a car key dropped from the
back of the Bible.It had a tag with the dealers name, the same dealer who
had the sports car he had desired.
On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words...PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as
we expected?

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned