A Man’s Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

A Man’s Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

 

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever . You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
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In your 20's :
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry and gel your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
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In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
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In your 40's :
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
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In your 50's :
Stop what you are doing. Put a on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie pie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
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In your 60's :
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
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In your 70's :
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
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In your 80's :
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. You fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
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In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home-deep-hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

"Old is when ...."

1. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and 
make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" 

2. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new 
alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 

3. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your 
pacemaker opens the garage door. 

4. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of 
your face. 

5. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 

6. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 

7. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need 
to take any fiber today. 

8. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in 
the parking lot. 

9. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to 
pee!!..

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned

Wait a minute! We have a decision on Ted Cruz!

Under the terms of the United States Constitution, someone who wants to become the president of America must be a natural born United States citizen who is at least 35 years old and who has lived as a resident of the US for 14 years. These are the only legal requirements for the position, but many people have many expectations of presidential candidates which could be considered informal requirements. Additionally, anyone wanting to run for president must have access to very large sums of money, as a campaign costs a great deal of money. Constitutional Requirements The terms of citizenship for presidential candidates are interpreted very strictly. Any person wishing to run must be a natural born citizen, meaning that immigrants are not eligible to run, no matter how long they have lived in the US. If a child of American citizens is born abroad, he or she is technically considered a natural born citizen, and can therefore run for president. The requirement for being a permanent resident in the US for at least 14 years is meant to ensure that anyone running is aware of general issues which impact the American people. Play can continue! CREDITS: Photo NFL Football Referees during the walkout.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

People were in their pews at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. 

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" 

The man replied, "Yep, sure do." 

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. 

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man. 

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. 

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. 

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" 

"Yep," was the calm reply. 

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. 

"Nope," said the old man. 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" 

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."