A Man’s Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

A Man’s Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

 

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever . You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
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In your 20's :
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry and gel your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
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In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
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In your 40's :
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
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In your 50's :
Stop what you are doing. Put a on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie pie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
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In your 60's :
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
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In your 70's :
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
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In your 80's :
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. You fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
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In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home-deep-hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around.

 Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around.

As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65.

You may not realize it now, but everything will shift...

 

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

 

 

At age 12 success is having friends.

 

 

 

At age 16 success is having a driver’s license.

 

 

At age 20 success is having sex.

 

 

 

At age 35 success is having money.

 

 

 

 

At age 60 success is having money.

 

 

 

At age 70 success is having sex.

 

 

 

At age 80 success is having a driver’s license.

 

 

 

At age 85 success is having friends.

 

 

 

At age 90 success is not peeing in your pants.

 

 

It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not

To celebrate their parents 50 years together their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor

To celebrate their parents 50 years together their three kids, all successful, agreed to a
Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.
'Sorry I'm running late.
I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know
how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father.
"Important thing is we're all together today."
Son No. 2 arrived.
"You and Mom look great, Dad.
I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't
have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father.
"We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived.
"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.
Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and said,
"WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep", said the father, "Cheap ones too..."

So this duck walks into a pet store and says to the clerk, "Got any duck food?"

"No", says the clerk, "we only sell dog food and cat food." 
"OK", says the duck and walks out. 
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any duck food?" 
The clerk once again replies, "No, like I told you, we only sell cat food and dog food." 
"OK", says the duck and walks out. 
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any duck food?" 
The clerk says "Hey look, I told you two times already that we only sell cat food and dog food!" 
"OK", says the duck and walks out. 
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any duck food?" 
This time the clerk yells "We don't sell any duck food and if you come in here one more time asking, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to the ground!" 
"OK", says the duck and walks out. 
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any nails?" 
"No", says the confused clerk. 
The duck says, "Got any duck food?"

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable to the council either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.

Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.

Then came: "Minds and Behinds"
Still, no good.

Another attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable to the town council... again!

So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
Not a chance. Too graphic, said the council.

"Nuts and Butts?"
Definitely not.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Shot down again

"Loons and Moons?" 
Forget it.

Almost at their end of thinking capacity, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends."
And everyone was happy.

The Love Dress: "A Cautionary Tale to Aging Men..."

The Love Dress : A Cautionary Tale

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was
shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for
her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.

Fall in Love - If you ever decide to fall in love...